WAP

Sometimes, cooking dinner inspires me to write songs…

Carnivores in this house
Carnivores in this house
Carnivores in this house
Carnivores in this house

I said, certified freak
Dinner with a beak
Wet-ass poultry
Make that diet game weak!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, you plucking on some wet-ass poultry
Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass poultry
Give me lotsa bread to sop up this wet-ass poultry

Heat it up, fry it in some oil
Bake or roast or grill or broil
Don’t forget to refrigerate
Leave it out too long, it’ll spoil

Chop that squab, butter its hide
Shove some stuffing up inside
Legs and wings and breasts and thighs
This poultry is wet; this ain’t Popeye’s
Truss it up, seal its demise
This bird’s got wings, but it never flies
I want you to slice that Peking duck
Right here at my tableside
Let’s get frisky, make me Kishke
Coq au Vin or cock with whiskey
Original’s fine if you’re not risky
But let me tell you ‘bout this Extra Crispy

Gobble it, swallow it, Tikka Masala it
You ever had Biryani? Now, that’s some praise Allah shit
Don’t plan for leftovers, ‘cuz I’m ‘bout to eat all of it
Eat your dry-ass KFC in the back of your Impala, bitch
Make some sauce, give it a toss
Ask for a toothpick or maybe some floss
You really ain’t never got turducken for the gang
You already ate half of it ‘fore they came
Now get your napkins and your bibs
For this wet-ass poultry
This shit is messier than ribs
This is wet-ass poultry
Pay the mortgage on my crib
For this wet-ass poultry
Now you best be callin’ dibs
On some wet-ass poultry

Look, I need a Brahma roaster, I need a Burma Crested
I need a Cornish game hen, I need a wild pheasant
Not a common quail, I need a Jersey Giant
With some fight in it, all loud and defiant
He got some dark meat, then that’s where I’m headed
Ain’t got no Cochins? We’ll Rhode Island Red it
Pick up that axe, I’m tryna behead it
Some barbecue sauce make it friggin’ poetic
Turn it on a spit, give it a smoke
Roast in a bag, baste it with Coke
I want you to feed me them chicken wings
‘til I have a cholesterol stroke
My heart is a time bomb, my arteries cloggy
But I love the poultry, ‘specially when it’s soggy
Haters salty as hell, like they all tryna brine me
Colonel Sanders is dead, but he still tryna sign me

Your honor, I’m a freak when it comes to chicken
I can make some poultry that’ll make your pulse quicken
Put it in the oven, wait while the magic kicks in
Naw, that shit ain’t just good – positively finger lickin’
Hey, fast food chains, I’m the one that beat ya’
When it comes to cooking up delicious tweeters
Chick-fil-A has its share of eaters
But they only wanna sell they shit to breeders
If it’s free range, it costs more change
But drown it in sauce and it all tastes the same
If you taste it you’ll ask, “What’s in it?”
Secret herbs and spices are my claim to fame

Aaahh...

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, you plucking on some wet-ass poultry
Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass poultry
Give me lotsa bread to sop up this wet-ass poultry
Now from the top, fowl it up
That’s some wet-ass poultry
Now get a bucket and a mop
That’s some wet-ass poultry
I’m talking BAWK BAWK BAWK
That’s some wet-ass poultry
Make some stock in a pot
That’s some wet-ass poultry

Huh

Carnivores in this house
Carnivores in this house

Do They Know It’s Covid?

An old friend of mine issued me several quick-writing challenges during the first year of covid. This time it was to do a covid parody of the Band Aid classic, “Do They Know It’s Christmas”…

It's Christmas time
And here’s my plead to be afraid
At Christmas time
The health guidelines will not be obeyed

And with our fools aplenty
It will spread for miles, deployed
Covid’s harm around the world
At Christmas time

But, they don’t care
If they kill someone’s loved one
At Christmas time
E.R. beds will be overrun

Covid swirls outside your window
And it unfurls through breath from peers
So we only oughta be going
To essential things this year

And the Christmas norms you cling to
Have your clan confined in rooms
Well, you might swap Bethlehem
Instead for Zoom

As the ‘rona grows per capita this Christmas time
The greatest gift you’ll give this year is life
If you can just forego, abstain, let live, lie low
Dudes you know may be alive next Fall

Here’s a thought: Raise your mask up, everyone
Here’s to facts. Disbelief’s concerning, son
Do they know how science works at all?

Heed the word
Heed the word
Heed the word
Set guests low this Christmas time, my friend

Heed the word
You don’t need to gather in your den
Heed the word
Worse than flu by a factor of ten

Heed the word
Help us slow the virus climb again
Heed the word
Debts are owed to our front line brethren

Heed the word
Yes, I know you spend this time with kin, but
Heed the word
Let some folks see Christmas time again

Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Does Their Duty

Act Two, Song Three from
"Home-a-ton: A Quarantine Musical."

[WASHINGTON]
Let me tell you what I wish we’d learn
To combat our leaders’ cruelty:
We can’t let them control

[WASHINGTON AND COMPANY]
Who lives
Who dies-
Let’s do our duty

[WASHINGTON]
It’s up to all of us

[JEFFERSON]
Gotta resist - our government’s response has been a disaster
They couldn’t have done worse if they tried
And they tried

[WASHINGTON AND COMPANY]
Who lives?
Who dies?
Who does their duty?

[WASHINGTON]
President Great Again:

[MADISON]
He took our country from amity to calamity
And he won’t admit it, but he deserves most of the credit
For all the death that he gave us

[WASHINGTON AND COMPANY]
Who lives?
Who dies?
Who does their duty?

[ANGELICA]
Our blundering and Floundering Fathers hearts are so cold
As numbers are compounding – fathers aren’t gon’ grow old

[BURR]
And when they’re gone, who of us is to blame?
Whose life stayed the same?

[BURR AND MEN]
And who did their duty?

[ANGELICA AND WOMEN]
Who did their duty?

[BURR AND MEN]
Who did their duty?

[WOMEN]
Let’s rise up

[ELIZA]
Increased selfless action’s imperative

[WOMEN]
Let’s rise up

[ELIZA]
We may be washing our hands
And being careful where we stand
It's not enough

[COMPANY]
Let’s rise up

[ELIZA]
We will eschew the exposers who’ll not stay inside

[MULLIGAN/LAFAYETTE/LAURENCE]
Let’s do our duty

[ELIZA]
This virus just spreads, killing thousands of folks while we’re fighting
We can still curb it, but we’re running out of-

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]
Time

[ELIZA]
The deniers-

[ELIZA AND ANGELICA]
Are killing us

[ELIZA]
They’re not inclined-

[ELIZA AND ANGELICA]
To do their duty

[ELIZA]
We are burying people in trucks

[ELIZA AND ANGELICA]
No room

[ELIZA]
Stacked in freezers – there’s just too many at a-

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]
Time

[ELIZA]
And they still accrue
I ask myself, “Why did our response take so much-”

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]
Time

[ELIZA]
The ones left behind us
Whose lives much too early were halted
Can’t give them more-

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]
Time

[ELIZA]
Sick of rules too measly from our waffling government

[WASHINGTON]
We’ll do our duty

[ELIZA]
Our compassion is bravery
We could have saved many more if we’d acted in-

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]
Time

[ELIZA]
And if my time is up, have I done enough?

[ELIZA & COMPANY]
Have I done my duty?

[ELIZA]
Oh, and you know who suffers the most: the-

[COMPANY]
Less fortunate

[ELIZA]
Our essential workers see cases in ratios wildy dis-

[COMPANY]
Proportionate

[ELIZA]
Too late to save hundreds of thousands
The threat just keeps on going up

[COMPANY]
Enormous surge

[ELIZA]
These are times we cannot be bystanders
We don’t have the-

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]
Time

[ELIZA]
And before time is up
Can we do enough?

[COMPANY]
Can we do our duty?

[ELIZA]
And I hope that I’ll see you again
It's only a matter of-

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]
Time

[COMPANY]
Will you do your duty?

Time

Who lives, who dies, who does their duty?

Time

Will you do your duty?

Time

Who lives, who dies-

[FULL COMPANY]
Let’s do our duty

The Zoom Where It Happens

Act Two, Song Two from
"Home-a-ton: A Quarantine Musical."

[BURR]
Ten coworkers and their management log into a Zoom

[BURR AND ENSEMBLE]
Pre-pandemic, were composed pros

[BURR]
Now they’re working from home online, the office shuttered so that

[BURR AND ENSEMBLE]
They won’t be exposed

[ENSEMBLE]
Closed

[BURR]
Advantages emerge as they adjust to working remote home hours
Like wearing pajamas while making the bucks
And meetings converging without taking showers
But here’s the part that really sucks:

No one tells you ‘bout
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
Now we dwell about
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
No one really knows if decisions got made
If our file displayed
If our message conveyed
We just assume that we’re trapped in
The special hell we call
The Zoom where it happens

[BURR AND COMPANY]
Thomas claims-

[JEFFERSON]
It said the meeting host would let me in if I wait
So sorry I was late

[BURR AND COMPANY]
Thomas claims-

[JEFFERSON]
Alexander said-

[HAMILTON]
Sent you an access code!

[JEFFERSON]
And basic’ly accused me of sleeping past eight

[BURR AND COMPANY]
Thomas claims-

[JEFFERSON]
I texted Madison and said-
“Is there an agenda?” He didn’t even have the right date

[BURR AND COMPANY]
Thomas claims-

[JEFFERSON]
Well, HE scheduled the meeting!
HE sent out the invite, to incite proceedings!

[BURR]
But!
He still wasn’t in-

[BURR AND COMPANY]
The Zoom where it happened
The Zoom where it happened
The Zoom where it happened

[BURR]
Entered a dozen PINs

[BURR AND COMPANY]
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens

[BURR]
No one really knows what is
Making that loud hisssss
But we can’t meet in person and so
Now we’re stuck with thisssss
We just assume that you’re nappin’
If you’re camera’s off in
The Zoom where it happens

[BURR AND COMPANY]
Meanwhile-

[BURR]
Somebody is laughing at the wacky fake tropic island beach green screen background that they’ve chosen

[COMPANY]
Meanwhile-

[BURR]
Someone is pixelated and not moving anymore-
Their screen is frozen
Then we all spend five minutes on some waving and hellos
And debate who’s on first like Abbott & Costello

[MADISON]
Jefferson, I can see that you’re talking, brother, but we can’t hear while you mutter verbs - in other words-

[JEFFERSON]
Oh, shoot!

[MADISON]
Dude, you’re on mute

[JEFFERSON]
How astute!

[MADISON]
Now there’s an echo – could you just plug in your headphones?

[JEFFERSON]
Actually, I should

[MADISON]
Man, are you making a smoothie?!

[JEFFERSON]
Oh, was my blender too loud?

[MADISON]
Sounds like Michael Bay movie

[JEFFERSON]
Oopsie

[BURR]
No!

[COMPANY]
-one hears you in
The Zoom where it happens

[BURR AND COMPANY]
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
Takes a year to begin
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens

[BURR]
My God!

[BURR AND COMPANY]
Your dog is cute
But do we have to see him while we telecommute?
Click Zoom, there’s your cat’s chin

[BURR]
Here with all your pets in the Zoom where it happens

[COMPANY]
Now we work at home a ton

[BURR]
What did you say? I can’t hear you when we all try to talk all at the same time

[COMPANY]
Now we work at home a ton

[BURR]
Can’t see you when you point your camera’s aim line
Toward the sunshine by the window in the daytime

[COMPANY]
Now we work at home a ton

[BURR]
And did you know, as you typed, it doesn’t matter
What you put in the Zoom chat window?

[HAMILTON]
‘Cuz we don’t bother-
That thing is a mess

[BURR]
Don’t unmute to answer

[HAMILTON]
So we just keep nodding yes
Surroundings, your house tells us a lot ‘bout yourself
But you don’t look highbrow unless there’s books on your shelf
Oh, you’ll get love for it. Get high rates for it
Bad connection makes you…

[HAMILTON AND COMPANY]
Wait for it, wait for it, wait!

[HAMILTON]
God help and forgive me
I’m gonna share
My screen, just hold on-
Bear with me

[HAMILTON/JEFFERSON/
MADISON/WASHINGTON]
What do you want, Burr?
What do you want, Burr?

When it comes to meetings,
What do you think is called for?

[BURR]
I
Don’t wanna be in
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
Don’t
Wanna be in
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens

Don’t

Wanna be
In the Zoom where it happens

I

Don’t wanna be in the Zoom...
Oh
Oh

Don’t wanna be
Don’t wanna be

I've got to be
I've got to be
In that Zoom
In that online room

[COMPANY]
You sit too close to the screen

[BURR]
Here’s your kid to steal the scene

[COMPANY]
We end each meeting with awkward stares

[BURR]
A more boring version of Hollywood Squares

[COMPANY]
Stuck in a digital trance

[BURR]
Another joke about not wearing pants

[BURR AND COMPANY]
Reach through my laptop and slap him

[BURR]
Don’t want to be in
The Zoom...

Don’t want to be...

Don’t want to be...

But, I've got to be in
The Zoom where it happens...
I've got to be, I've gotta be, I've gotta be...
In the gloom!

Click Zoom.

Re-Opening Salvo

Act Two, Song One from
"Home-a-ton: A Quarantine Musical."

[WASHINGTON]
Ladies and gentlemen, you coulda been anywhere virtually tonight, but you're here with us in a pandemic. Are you ready for a no-win conundrum?!

The issue on the table: Reopening our country with our cases climbing and nothing at all under control. Now, Mister Jefferson, you have the floor, sir

[JEFFERSON]
‘Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.'
Have those words been repealed? ‘Cuz now I’m feelin’ oppressed
We shut down in March, and back then it was fair, but
Now it’s July, and I need a haircut

Nowww
It’s time for a reset
We can’t let our small businesses accumulate debt
So, let’s assess how to open hastily
We can resume our former lives and still do it safely

[HAMILTON]
Not true!

[JEFFERSON]
Ooh, yeah, the truth hurts, mon amie
You might be savin’ lives, but you’re killin’ the economy
Plus, I can’t pay my mortgage statement
Unless my bank takes banana bread as payment
It’s the summer – you’ll find me in the pool
And you know that we gotta send our kids back to school
This financial pain is something we can’t sustain
And most of us just plain need to be unrestrained and entertained
Your closure mission killed our plans by attrition
To say nothing of vacations and holiday traditions
Look, when fireworks were canceled, we got vicious
Imagine what gon' happen when you try to shut down Christmas

[WASHINGTON]
Thank you so much, Mister Jefferson. Alright, Mister Hamilton, your response…

[HAMILTON]
Thomas, that was a nice act of defiance
Welcome to reality, where we believe in science
Would you like to join us, or keep dreamin’
Spittin’ whatever the hell it is Sean Hannity’s been screamin’?
This reopening trend will just extend
How long we’ll be spending time with normal life suspended
Do you comprehend it? If we stay focused and finish strong, it’s
Our best chance at normal. You’d rather we prolong this?
A business lesson laced with apathy – the audacity!
Restaurants can’t last at a fraction of capacity
The plan to open now doesn’t work - it’s like satire:
We’re trying to live in a house that’s on fire
And another thing – schools closed at a thousand cases
But, now we got four million, and it’s off to the races?
Maybe your wack back to school plan would be more highly rated
If you ever listened to the educated
Your crass restlessness is so evident; ignore evidence
Negligent - who cares if we kill another resident?
So the governor told you you could go back and shop at stores
Whose health you think he protects, the economy’s or yours?
Sittin’ here watching society’s ruin
While the curve still bends upward
What the hell are we doing?

You’ll Be Fine

Act One, Song Four from
"Home-a-ton: A Quarantine Musical."

[KING DON]
You say
The virus multiplies like the lies that I tell every day
You cry
‘Cuz you see that our curve climbs bigly and that thousands will die
I say “Sad.”
I’d like to avoid an arraignment for all of my crimes
So I’ll say it’s not bad
Instead of working on containment, feed you lines

You'll be fine
Soon you'll see
It’ll be gone with the April heat
You'll be fine
Calm your fears
Like a miracle, it disappears
It’s a hoax
Liberal spin
Have you tried hydroxychloroquine?
One thing’s true
You poor slobs:
I will literally say anything
To avoid doing my job

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Baht-ba-ba-ba-bing-bing-bing
Ba-ba-baht-baht-bing-bing-bong
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Baht-ba-ba-ba-bing-bing-bing
Ba-ba-baht-baht-baaaa

You say that I’m inflaming the pandemic’s spread
But I prefer just blaming Obama instead
And please, slow down the testing!
‘Cuz our cases are cresting
I don’t need them protesting
The cardiac arresting
Of millions, and billions, and trillions of U.S. civilians

You’ll be fine
Just you wait
It’s as harmless as Mike Pence is straight
Inject light
Drink some bleach
Like I care – I’m already impeached
Covid is
Overblown
And if not well, hell, you’re on your own

‘Cuz, now, don’t
Think I won’t
Let it kill your friends and family
So there’s less of you to vote

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Baht-ba-ba-ba-bing-bing-bing
Ba-ba-baht-baht-bing-bing-bong
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Baht-ba-ba-ba-bing-bing-bing
Ba-ba-
Everybody

[ENSEMBLE]
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Baht-ba-ba-ba-bing-bing-bing
Ba-ba-baht-baht-bing-bing-bong
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Baht-ba-ba-ba-bing-bing-bing
Ba-ba-ba-baht-ba-bing-bing-boooooonnnnng

My Shots

(a love song to the anti-vaxxers)

Act One, Song Three from
"Home-a-ton: A Quarantine Musical."

[HAMILTON]
I am not throwing away my… shots!
I am not throwing away my… shots!
Hey yo, we must have immunity
To live life with impunity
And I'm not throwing away my shots!

I’m amazed at how you reject knowledge
I prob’ly shouldn’t be, but your irrationality’s flawless
The problem is there’s not a turd that you cannot polish
When it comes from your fool president
It’s heaven-sent, won’t acknowledge
That he’s a con and a liar, and Vladdy Putin’s mole
Every word from his blowhole, his callous acts are all impeachable

Kayleigh McEnany’s lies get bolder
Claims conspiracies like Fox Mulder, I told her
Ev’ry chance he’s had to stem damage
He has managed to mismanage, just tells us it’ll vanish
His followers are Klannish
His plan is to fan our divisions to flame
Divert our damn attention, so let me spell out his game
He is the-

[HAMILTON/LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN/LAURENS]
D-I-S-U-N-I-T
E-R-we are-meant to be…

[HAMILTON]
A colony that’s too distracted to see
His inaction has impacted us with protracted disease
Essentially, death spreads exponentially
While he lies to our face, makes insane decrees
Says maybe you should drink disinfectant tea
And we pray for a vaccination in this century
Please, Fauci?

[LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN/LAURENS]
(He says in parentheses)

[HAMILTON]
Don’t be shocked if it takes years for a vaccine
Let’s hope the price to get it won’t be obscene
A breakthrough would mean we could finally convene
So I am not throwing away my… shots (shots!)
I am not throwing away my… shots (shots!)
Hey yo, let’s see some effin’ unity
We live in a community
So, don’t throw away your shots

[HAMILTON/MULLIGAN/LAURENS/LAFAYETTE]
I am not throwing away my… shots
I am not throwing away my… shots
Hey yo, it ain’t forced compliance
It’s just medical science
And I'm not throwing away my… shots
It's time to take a shot!

[LAFAYETTE]
I don’t want the government controllin’ me
But, as best I can tell, you’re cajolin’ me
That the dudes at Breitbart are just trollin’ me
When they tell me the government will install 5G
With my-

[HAMILTON/LAURENS/LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN]
Shot!

[MULLIGAN]
Yo, I know this sounds portentous
But, I’m starting to believe that the dude from Apprentice
May not have all of our best interests in mind
So, when there’s a vaccine, I’d be crazy to decline!
I'm gonna take a-

[HAMILTON/LAURENS/LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN]
Shot!

[LAURENS]
Burr, you say it’s about freedom. Word?
But why is your freedom more pronounced than that of the herd?
You got rights, yeah that’s right. Until you’re infringing
Others’ rights hinging on your own whims impinging
Have another-

[HAMILTON/LAURENS/LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN]
Shot!

[BURR]
Freedom is all about choices
Laurens, you’re a turncoat – I don’t care what your boy says
Unlike you, my opinion can’t be bought
I won’t let them control my thoughts
Indoctrinated by their shots!

[HAMILTON]
Burr, you’ve lost the plot
Spittin’ wild theories like schizophrenic buckshot
I think you prob’ly ought
To pop a comfortable squat
Let’s educate your ass, so you don’t sound untaught
Michelle Bachmann said it’s causing autism - it’s not
Hotshot, you forgot, the feds already track you, like it or not
Your phone and your Alexa towers already check your hours and inspect your showers
You think they need the vaccine to track you with injective superpowers?!

Look, I know your Boys are Proud
They don’t trust the government, don’t wanna’ be cowed
But if they don’t want to see the world they love
Turn into a mushroom cloud…

[LAURENS]
Let's do what’s best for the whole crowd!

[HAMILTON/LAURENS/LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN/ENSEMBLE]
I am not throwing away my… shots
I am not throwing away my… shots
Hey yo, we must have immunity
To live life with impunity
And I'm not throwing away my… shots

I am not throwing away my… shots
I am not throwing away my… shots
Hey yo, let’s see some effin’ unity
We live in a community
And I'm not throwing away my shots

[LAURENS]
It’s just a little sting!
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh-oh
Hey!
Whoa-oh-oh!
Owww!
Whoa-oh-oh!
Said, let ‘em spear ya!
Yeah
Polio!
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh-oh
Is gone, and so is smallpox!
Whoa-oh-oh!
Said, so is smallpox!
Whoa-oh-oh!
Come on!
Yeah
Come on, let's go!

[LAURENS]
Mask up!
When you're living with disease, you mask up
Tell your brother that he's gotta mask up
Tell your sister that she's gotta mask up

[LAURENS AND ENSEMBLE]
When are these selfish Me’s gonna mask up?
When are these spreading sneeze gonna mask up?
When they cough and they wheeze, gonna mask up?
When will they just appease and mask up?

Mask up!

[HAMILTON]
We been spreadin’ death so much it feels like we’re supposed to be
When's it gonna get me?
In my office? From people I exposed to me?
If I get invited, do I go or do I let it be?
Why are there so many without empathy?
See, I never thought in twenty-twenty
We’d be so comfortable with deaths this plenty
The doubters ask us why we live in fear, while they jeer, reach for a beer
I fear no number of their dead peers is too many

Screw that
This is not suppression - it’s being human
Where your “Pro-Life,” “All Lives Matter,” and
“Fam-ly Val-ues” been?
Fools oppose this, stick their heads in the sand
Makes rules seem hopeless. Hospitals can’t withstand
Demand. ‘Zat the price of independence?
Trade a selfish bit of freedom for a death sentence?
Or will the shadow of death bring transcendence
Realize that our existence is interdependent?

I know resumin’ your old life is excitin’
But, Jesus, look at all the disease you’re invitin’
And the unease you’re incitin’
Let’s get a handle on this ample devastation
Are we a nation of facts? Then get your vaccination!
You’re rash - flagrantly hatin’, uncompassionately
Bashin’ every adaptation
We enact to try save this nation!
Stop actin’ like the sick and casualties are “someone else”
And for the first time, start thinkin’ past yourself

[HAMILTON AND COMPANY]
And I am not throwing away my… shots
I am not throwing away my… shots
Hey yo, it ain’t forced compliance
It’s just medical science
And I'm not throwing away my… shots

[HAMILTON/LAURENS/
LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN]
We're gonna mask up! Time to take a shot!
We're gonna mask up! Time to take a shot!
We're gonna

[COMPANY]
Mask up!
Mask up!

[HAMILTON/LAFAYETTE/
LAURENS/MULLIGAN]
It’s time to take a shot!

[COMPANY]
Mask up!
Mask up!  

[HAMILTON/LAFAYETTE/
LAURENS/MULLIGAN]
It’s time to take a shot!

[COMPANY]
Mask up!

[HAMILTON/LAFAYETTE/
LAURENS/MULLIGAN]
It’s time to take a shot!

[COMPANY]
Mask up!

[HAMILTON/LAFAYETTE/
LAURENS/MULLIGAN]
Take a shot! Shot! Shot!

[HAMILTON/LAFAYETTE/
LAURENS/MULLIGAN]
Time to take a shot!
Time to take a shot!
And I am-

[HAMILTON/LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN/LAURENS]
Not throwin' away my-

[COMPANY]
Not throwin' away my shots!

Cover Your Face, Ace

Act One, Song Two from
"Home-a-ton: A Quarantine Musical."

[COMPANY]
The year two thousand twenty. Hot Spot, U.S.

[HAMILTON]
Pardon me. Y’mind coverin’ your face, ace?

[BURR]
What’d you say to me, libtard?

[HAMILTON]
Give me space, ace
A mandatory ordinance is pretty basic, ace
That doesn’t apply to you?

[BURR]
I'm getting pissed off

[HAMILTON]
Ace…
We’re all in this together. Covering up your nose and mouth should be automatic since you can spread it even when not symptomatic, so, see? Not wearing one is a disgrace, ace. You know you’re hurting people?

[BURR]
You want a taste, ace?

[HAMILTON]
No!
I want you to care ‘bout others. This isn’t about you; be keeper of your brothers. You look at me like I’m a sucker. Did I stutter?

Why don’t you do it? Why refuse to wear a mask?

[BURR]
Because the virus is a hoax, if you must ask

[HAMILTON]
You’re an idiot. Are you… illiterate?!
God, you’re inconsiderate
And worse, you’re just oblivious
To anyone else – it’s hideous

[BURR]
Can I say what I think?

[HAMILTON]
Will you be nice?

[BURR]
While you lecture, let me offer you some free advice:
Shut. Up.

[HAMILTON]
What?

[BURR]
Butt. Out.

[HAMILTON]
Ah.

[BURR]
It’s not your business what I do with my mouth

[HAMILTON]
You can't be serious

[BURR]
You wanna end up dead?

[HAMILTON]
No

[BURR]
Well, the flag on my pickup says “Don’t tread”

[LAURENS]
Yo yo yo yo yo!
What time is it?

[LAURENS/LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN]
Who knows?!

[BURR]
...here’s more spread...

[LAURENS]
Me time! Me time! Yo!
Drinkin’ in bars is the place to be!
I’ve infected two people and I’m workin’ on three, uh!
Those lab coats don't resonate with me!
Cuz I make uninformed decisions and claim that I’m free!

[LAFAYETTE]
Hey, y’all! Didja’ call? It’s yer boy Lafayette!
Just gonna pretend that there’s no respiratory threat!
I’m havin’ a fiesta for my cousin’s third trimester
None of us are tested, but wanna infect
The rest of ya’

[MULLIGAN]
Brrraaah-choo! I am Hercules Mulligan
Your neighborhood republican – yes, I see your lungs are strugglin’
Not gonna wear a mask; it’s political – I’m critically
Unable to see I’m hypocritically parasitical…

[LAURENS]
This whole virus thing is blown out of proportion
Let's raise a couple more...

[LAURENS/LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN]
To self-absorption!

[LAURENS]
Well, if it ain't the spokesman of the anti-vaxxin’

[MULLIGAN]
Aaron Burr!

[LAURENS]
Give us some spin, start some waxin’!

[BURR]
Good luck with that: you enjoy your vaccine
I won’t be a part of the liberal machine

[LAFAYETTE/MULLIGAN]
Ooooo!

[LAURENS]
Burr, you’d turn down a vaccine? Man, the stupid is strong with you.

[HAMILTON]
You’d waste your chance to help, Burr? What the hell’s wrong with you?

[LAURENS]
Ooh
Who are you?

[MULLIGAN]
Who are you?

[LAFAYETTE]
Who are you?

[MULLIGAN/LAFAYETTE/LAURENS]
Ooh, who is this kid, in the vaccine queue?

I’mma Stay At Home a Ton

Act One, Song One from
"Home-a-ton: A Quarantine Musical."

[BURR]
How does a plastered, clownin’, man about town and a
Socialite, local tight with many of the
Bartenders, spenders, and others who go out all the time
The paradigm to be seen
End up just disappearin’ from the whole scene?

[LAURENS]
The six-hundred-bourbon-drinker and beer glass clinker
Would always linger, by ordering two fingers
By being a free thinker
By being a good winker
Buy more rounds: and you’re reelin’ him in hook
line and sinker

[JEFFERSON]
And every time that I’m here feeling landed and stranded
In my office full-time, his world was growing, expanded
Outside, chasing after the something his heart demanded
The brother travelled just to see what his fav’rite band did

[MADISON]
Then a virus plague came - a real contagious strain
Our man saw his social plans canceled and constrained
Concerts knocked down, we’re on lockdown, starin’ out the window pane
Want a beer or some Champagne, but now we must abstain

[BURR]
Well, his friends shook their heads, they said, “Dude has gone insane, man
Never leaves his four walls - Howard Hughes is his new name, and
Don’t know how he does it, but that life sounds so mundane
Fam, your new lifestyle is such a shame. What's your game plan?"

[HAMILTON]
I’ve been staying home a ton
It's a pandemic, so I’m home a ton
Sure, there's a million things I’d rather done
But it’s not safe. It’s not safe

[ELIZA]
Way back in March he was unnerved, watched the curve - kept climbing
Two months later, see businesses open - inept timing
Too early – it filled his heart with dread, the bug spread

[COMPANY]
And, yeah, we’re ‘re-opened,’ but now thousands are dead

[WASHINGTON]
Moved by great emotion, his notion was we should stay inside
His was devotion to lay aside what others may decide
His mind told him:

[WASHINGTON & COMPANY]
“You’re gon’ have to entertain yourself”

[WASHINGTON]
He started cookin' and lookin' at every book upon his shelf

[BURR]
There may have been nothin' left to buy
By the time he reached July
His online shopping just multiplied
Amazon shipped it to his lanai
Started clickin', fixin' up his house when he got bored
Buying furniture, carpet, and other things he can't afford
Talkin’ to his dog out loud so has some company
Walkin’ with social distance so there’s no one to accompany
Him in this new world, while our reps failed to plan
And New York soon was worse than Wuhan

[COMPANY]
And New York soon was
worse than Wuhan-

[HAMILTON]
It's not safe!

[COMPANY]
And New York soon was
worse than Wuhan-

[HAMILTON]
It's not safe!

[COMPANY]
If you cough, you can kill someone’s nan

[WOMEN]
If you cough-

[MEN]
You cough-

[HAMILTON]
It’s not safe!

[COMPANY]
You’ve been staying home a ton
(You’ve been staying home a ton)

We just want to eat some wings with you
(wanna eat some wings with you)

Can’t you break your lockdown?
The rest of us go out some-times!

Oh, you’ve been staying home a ton
(you’ve been staying home a ton)

While America spreads the flu
Do they not have an ounce of shame?
Do they know this is not a game?
The world will never be the same, oh

[BURR]
This shit is in our back yard now
We’re the ones that brought it

[MEN]
It's not safe

[BURR]
Fox News said go out again
And all you morons bought it

[COMPANY]
It's not safe

[BURR]
We’ve overcome much more than this –
America forgot it

[MULLIGAN/LAFAYETTE]
We laughed at it

[LAURENS]
Me? Bought masks for it

[WASHINGTON]
Me? I misjudged it

[ELIZA/ANGELICA/MARIA]
Me? I ignored it

[BURR]
And me? I'm the damn fool that caught it

[COMPANY]
Got a wicked case of FOMO, son
But it’s not safe!

[BURR]
What's your game plan?

[COMPANY]
I’mma stay at home a ton!

We Didn’t Stop the Virus

An old friend of mine issued me several quick-writing challenges during the first year of covid. This time it was to do a parody of the Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” about the first half of 2020…

Aussie fires near the shore, Libya’s in civil war,
Soleimani, Netanyahu, Brexit is a go

Kim Jong-un’s building a weapon, Cory Booker got to steppin’,
John Delaney, Marianne zany, no POTUS Castro

Billie Eilish, Kobe’s gone, Ozzy Osborne Parkinson’s
Jakarta floods, Chinese spies, threats on Iran’s cultural sites

Harry & Meghan snub the queen, Wuhan’s under quarantine
Vegas Raiders, Venezuela, Iran shoots down a flight

We didn’t stop the virus
It will just infect us
Since our leader’s feckless
We didn’t stop the virus
No, we couldn’t shelf it
‘cuz we’re much too selfish

Puerto Rican earthquake tolls, Chiefs have won the Super Bowl
Colonel Vindman, Gordon Sondland fired by Trump

Roger Stone, Jim Jordan, Blagojevich and others pardoned
Wells Fargo fake accounts, Yang and Bennett bumped

Newspapers have to fold, Parasite wins Oscar gold
Harvey Weinstein goes to jail, Tom Steyer will also bail

Boy Scouts’ shame brings bankruptcy, shooting in a brewery,
Trump’s impeached, pandemic’s reached, COVID spikes in Italy

We didn’t stop the virus
Simple social distance
Got met with resistance
We didn’t stop the virus
We ignored the warnings
Now there’s thousands mourning

Buttigieg, Klobuchar, Tulsi, Bloomberg, won’t go far
Great momentum, then fall flat? Warren had a plan for that

Virus isolates Ted Cruz, that’s enough from Chris Matthews
Nashville in tornados’ path, Tom Hanks too feels COVID’s wrath

Cruise ships filled with virus docked, all of Italy is locked
Daily briefs by Cuomo, sports season’s a no-go

New orders to stay indoors, S.S. Comfort docked offshore
Stimulus checks, funds to execs, Tax Day has been postponed

We didn’t stop the virus
Couldn’t stand the tedium
So we whined ‘bout fReEdOm
We didn’t stop the virus
Numbers don’t diminish
By pretending it’s finished

Olympics postponed for a year, Brady is a Buccaneer?!
Vi-rus ri-ses, Trump says it will disappear

Businesses get PPP, states compete for PPE,
San-ders drops-out, Biden is the nominee

Tony Fauci hems and haws, Trump says to inject Lysol
50,000 more per day, what else do I have to say?!

We didn’t stop the virus
We opened much too quickly
And made millions sickly
We didn’t stop the virus
Soon we’ll all be patients
Since we’re so impatient

Navy Captain Crozier, Flynn’s life looks much rosier
Bolsonaro, murder hornets, SpaceX launch and dock

15 percent unemployed, racist cop kills George Floyd
Black Lives Matter, I Can’t Breathe, words of protest fill the streets

Rubber bullets, gas the peace, defund militant police
Unmarked cops, Bibles as props, Lafayette cleared for photo ops

Armed like soldiers off to war, ram the crowds with police cars
Shove old men in Buffalo, we won’t take it anymore!

We didn’t stop the virus
It’s just much too tasking
To save lives by masking
We didn’t stop the virus
Sorry ‘bout your father
But we can’t be bothered

Breonna Taylor, Arbery, jogging isn’t robbery,
Tony McDade, Rayshard Brooks, birdwatching makes you a crook

Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, Canceled COPS, Gone with the Wind
Statues, flags have had their day, now meet The Chicks and Lady A

Trump’s dogwhistles still repulsive, Juneteenth rally flops in Tulsa
K-pop stans and Tik Toks win, try Hydroxychloroquine?

KKK back on the rise, Twitter fact-checks some Trump lies
Bolton book, Barr’s a crook, Geoffrey Berman gets the hook

Supreme Court makes two wrongs righted,
Epstein’s fixer gets indicted

Russian bounties on our soldiers,
Europe bans us from their borders

Though this all feels more than plenty,
We’re just halfway through 2020

We didn’t stop the virus
No, we couldn’t face it
‘cuz we’re dumb and racist
We didn’t stop the virus
Since we’re all mor-ons,
It’ll still go on and on and on and on…