The Zoom Where It Happens
Act Two, Song Two from
"Home-a-ton: A Quarantine Musical."
[BURR]
Ten coworkers and their management log into a Zoom
[BURR AND ENSEMBLE]
Pre-pandemic, were composed pros
[BURR]
Now they’re working from home online, the office shuttered so that
[BURR AND ENSEMBLE]
They won’t be exposed
[ENSEMBLE]
Closed
[BURR]
Advantages emerge as they adjust to working remote home hours
Like wearing pajamas while making the bucks
And meetings converging without taking showers
But here’s the part that really sucks:
No one tells you ‘bout
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
Now we dwell about
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
No one really knows if decisions got made
If our file displayed
If our message conveyed
We just assume that we’re trapped in
The special hell we call
The Zoom where it happens
[BURR AND COMPANY]
Thomas claims-
[JEFFERSON]
It said the meeting host would let me in if I wait
So sorry I was late
[BURR AND COMPANY]
Thomas claims-
[JEFFERSON]
Alexander said-
[HAMILTON]
Sent you an access code!
[JEFFERSON]
And basic’ly accused me of sleeping past eight
[BURR AND COMPANY]
Thomas claims-
[JEFFERSON]
I texted Madison and said-
“Is there an agenda?” He didn’t even have the right date
[BURR AND COMPANY]
Thomas claims-
[JEFFERSON]
Well, HE scheduled the meeting!
HE sent out the invite, to incite proceedings!
[BURR]
But!
He still wasn’t in-
[BURR AND COMPANY]
The Zoom where it happened
The Zoom where it happened
The Zoom where it happened
[BURR]
Entered a dozen PINs
[BURR AND COMPANY]
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
[BURR]
No one really knows what is
Making that loud hisssss
But we can’t meet in person and so
Now we’re stuck with thisssss
We just assume that you’re nappin’
If you’re camera’s off in
The Zoom where it happens
[BURR AND COMPANY]
Meanwhile-
[BURR]
Somebody is laughing at the wacky fake tropic island beach green screen background that they’ve chosen
[COMPANY]
Meanwhile-
[BURR]
Someone is pixelated and not moving anymore-
Their screen is frozen
Then we all spend five minutes on some waving and hellos
And debate who’s on first like Abbott & Costello
[MADISON]
Jefferson, I can see that you’re talking, brother, but we can’t hear while you mutter verbs - in other words-
[JEFFERSON]
Oh, shoot!
[MADISON]
Dude, you’re on mute
[JEFFERSON]
How astute!
[MADISON]
Now there’s an echo – could you just plug in your headphones?
[JEFFERSON]
Actually, I should
[MADISON]
Man, are you making a smoothie?!
[JEFFERSON]
Oh, was my blender too loud?
[MADISON]
Sounds like Michael Bay movie
[JEFFERSON]
Oopsie
[BURR]
No!
[COMPANY]
-one hears you in
The Zoom where it happens
[BURR AND COMPANY]
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
Takes a year to begin
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
[BURR]
My God!
[BURR AND COMPANY]
Your dog is cute
But do we have to see him while we telecommute?
Click Zoom, there’s your cat’s chin
[BURR]
Here with all your pets in the Zoom where it happens
[COMPANY]
Now we work at home a ton
[BURR]
What did you say? I can’t hear you when we all try to talk all at the same time
[COMPANY]
Now we work at home a ton
[BURR]
Can’t see you when you point your camera’s aim line
Toward the sunshine by the window in the daytime
[COMPANY]
Now we work at home a ton
[BURR]
And did you know, as you typed, it doesn’t matter
What you put in the Zoom chat window?
[HAMILTON]
‘Cuz we don’t bother-
That thing is a mess
[BURR]
Don’t unmute to answer
[HAMILTON]
So we just keep nodding yes
Surroundings, your house tells us a lot ‘bout yourself
But you don’t look highbrow unless there’s books on your shelf
Oh, you’ll get love for it. Get high rates for it
Bad connection makes you…
[HAMILTON AND COMPANY]
Wait for it, wait for it, wait!
[HAMILTON]
God help and forgive me
I’m gonna share
My screen, just hold on-
Bear with me
[HAMILTON/JEFFERSON/
MADISON/WASHINGTON]
What do you want, Burr?
What do you want, Burr?
When it comes to meetings,
What do you think is called for?
[BURR]
I
Don’t wanna be in
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
Don’t
Wanna be in
The Zoom where it happens
The Zoom where it happens
Don’t
Wanna be
In the Zoom where it happens
I
Don’t wanna be in the Zoom...
Oh
Oh
Don’t wanna be
Don’t wanna be
I've got to be
I've got to be
In that Zoom
In that online room
[COMPANY]
You sit too close to the screen
[BURR]
Here’s your kid to steal the scene
[COMPANY]
We end each meeting with awkward stares
[BURR]
A more boring version of Hollywood Squares
[COMPANY]
Stuck in a digital trance
[BURR]
Another joke about not wearing pants
[BURR AND COMPANY]
Reach through my laptop and slap him
[BURR]
Don’t want to be in
The Zoom...
Don’t want to be...
Don’t want to be...
But, I've got to be in
The Zoom where it happens...
I've got to be, I've gotta be, I've gotta be...
In the gloom!
Click Zoom.
