How the ‘vid Stole Christmas

An old friend of mine issued me several quick-writing challenges during the first year of covid. This time it was to do a covid version of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”…

Every Who down in Whoville intermingled a lot
But the Virus now meant all in Whoville could NOT.

With the COVID around, leaving your house was treason.
This was bigger than sniffles or allergy season.

It could be you’d get it and cough through the night.
It could be, perhaps, that you’d die from this blight.

But I think that most likely danger of all,
Was you’d heighten the curve ‘cuz you went to the mall.

Whatever the outcome, the cough or the curve,
It infected all Whos with its bent to unnerve.

And the President’s briefings just made it all worse
Since he might know the truth, but he’d say the reverse.

Whos needed good info, and a strong plan beside it,
But they sure as hell couldn’t trust Trump to provide it.

“It’ll be gone in April” he misinformed with a sneer,
“One day like a miracle, it’ll just disappear.”

“It’s just fifteen people,” lied the self-proclaimed hero,
“In a couple more days, it’ll be close to zero.”

“We’ve got plenty of tests!” claimed the spray-tanned ass-clown,
But, since no one prepared, there were few to be found.

Did that stop the Prez from creating more trauma?
“If I don’t like the facts, I can just blame Obama!”

So he kept right on Trumping and spreading his slander
And for no reason yelling at Pete Alexander.

And the Whos just ignored his ridiculous lies,
As they watched Dr. Fauci rolling his eyes.

For they knew, as they roamed past the bare Kroger shelves,
“We can’t count on him, so we must save ourselves.”

Folks had fled to the stores with a feverish urgency,
In weeks they’d be using toilet paper as currency.

Or maybe vice versa, since all of this hype
Made Whos get creative when needing to wipe.

“Stock up!” yelled the Whos while Purell-ing their cash
And raiding the stores for their cans of Who-Hash.

“This could last for months – maybe into next winter”
“I’ll trade you my car for that Hungry Man dinner.”

Then back to their houses for a frozen-food feast,
Or maybe to dine on a Door-Dashed roast beast.

If you had the ingredients, you could make Chicken Florentine,
But you only had oatmeal up in this self-quarantine.

The NBA canceled, as did other athletics,
And by day five, Whos had made it through all of Netflix.

But the Whos persevered, as Whos do in each instance,
They just did their Who-ing online and at distance.

They adapted with grace and occasional gripe,
And still held their Who-Happy-Hours by Skype.

Or, at least SOME Whos did – heeding pleas from lawmakers –
There are always some idiots and selfish spring breakers

Who think that their needs are more important than yours
So they’re willing to kill you while they “Jersey Shore”

Or go out to restaurants, visit their folks,
Ignore all the warnings, insist it’s a hoax.

“How can it be real, when I feel just fine?”
Newsflash: you can have it and still feel benign.

Meanwhile, you’re spreading it to a whole other crew,
But I guess you don’t care, ‘cuz those people ain’t you.

The rules aren’t that hard, but they’re vitally important:
Stay the hell home. Stop selfish hoarding.

Wash your hands many times, for longer than you’d think –
If it helps, sing a song while you scrub at the sink.

And don’t touch your face, though that’s hard not to do.
Cough into your elbow, not at other Whos.

Sanitize all your doorknobs, anything you might lick.
And the top rule of all is: Don’t be a dick.

We Whos will get through this – we just have to weather
The storm for a while as we all pull together.

Well, not literally together – you know what I mean –
The kind of together with space in between.

We’ll be here a while, in self-isolation,
So get comfy and try to pretend it’s vacation.

Stay home and help minimize the virus’ spread.
Catch up on those books that you still haven’t read.

Make peace with the fact it’ll be months, not weeks.
And for god’s sake, don’t listen when the President speaks.

We’re Whos, so by nature we abhor social distance.
But for now it’s the best way to make a huge difference.

Hang in there, my friends. May Amazon provide.
I’ll see all you Whos on the other side.